Sadly Bent

Goodbye to you

2004-08-06T20:43:00.000-03:00

i hate this blog
and its template
and everything about it
there's no need for a 2nd blog
if i wanna write about being gay i should be able to do it
without having to hide it.
so from now on, no more Sadly Bent (although the title is really great!!)
if u wanna find me, just go to From Mackenzie To God and please post a comment.

2004-07-24T08:44:00.000-03:00

i'm wierd.

yesterday i went to a video rental store, i spent about 30 minutes in there looking for 'the perfect movie'. the ones with lesbian themes kinda tempted me... but i stayed away from them. 1 cuz my mom was at home, and she could decide to watch it with me. 2 - cuz i'm fed up with this, if i keep feeding the monster it will never die.

but then when i get home and turn the computer on i find myself exploring websites like www.olivia.com or www.thelwordonline.com

a least i dont go looking for porn... porn annoys me.

well, life goes on.

Progress!

2004-07-17T08:32:00.000-03:00

Yes, I'm getting better at the "living a secret hoping that it will go away thing".

Its great!

I've been working hard, walking around after work, buying some food so that mom sees me as a responsible person and so on!

its been good

its such a bitter sweet feeling to love this town (for the first time in my live i actually really love it here, i kinda hate Sao Paulo now for keeping me trapped in an apartment all my life!) Poços is so much better! But I know that in a month I'll be outta here! maybe that's what makes it so good... but its still bittersweet.

Today I even thought about giving up on prozac. but i changed my mind instantly. things are fine now cuz they're stable. but once things start getting rough i dont wanna get depressed again, i wanna fight!!

:)

thank you Lord for allowing me to end this part of my life in Brazil the best way possible!

Poços de Caldas

2004-07-11T16:12:00.000-03:00

So here I am once again.
Only now not as free: mom and maid are here too.

i miss the good old days of walking around semi naked, eating whatever i wanted whenever i wanted, watching tv 'till i fell asleep and no need for closed doors.

tomorrow i'm going back to work. my desire is that i work really hard all day so that when i get home i'm too tired to think, blog, feel depressed, eat or daydream.

In spite of my semi honest desire, I feel completly stuck here.

I feel this is the 'straightest' city i've even been to. I feel isolated living far up on a hill and being able to see the entire town by simply glancing at my window.

I'm sure there are gay stuff around here. Poços's grown a lot, and its not a little country town anymore. its a city.

i'm trying to save money, so i've decided to stay home today. i dont even have dls internet here! or cable!

stuck.

i wated to keep reading Mrs. Dalloway, but left it in Sao Paulo. I have two options here, Olga (which is in portuguese and i really feel like reading something in english), and Till we have faces (which is great, but i've read it already, and i want something new).

I'm going to the States on august 20th. I'm totaly looking foward to that day! well, i'm looking forward to the 21 actually - the day i finally get to Houghton!!

If I feel trapped here at Poços de Caldas I'll probably try to commit suicide at Houghton! I need to let go of these lesbian urges. That's what they are. urges. nothing more.

"dont let the devil rock the craddle of a sleeping Christian" - Matt Born

I'm such a mess!

The Rational Denial Saga Continues (and falls apart)

2004-07-11T00:41:00.000-03:00

Today I saw the girl I wrote about here.

I was at my 3-year-old cousin's b-day party just chilling when the aunt/cousin tells me: Oh Mack, I thought only a handful of people were coming. But so and so just called, Josiane and her sisters are coming too, and so on and so on...

I froze for a second.

Ok, its cool.

When she came both her sisters said hi (kiss on the cheek) to me and moved on. She actually stoped, looked at me, said hi (kiss on the cheek), and complimented me on my new haircut. See, that's why I like her! I like people who are different. I like people who dont go with the flow.

"i couldnt help it, ist all your fault"

I decided to flirt veeeery discretly. She's got no clue whats going, so if I look at her and smile, she'll innocently smile back. So I did, so she did.

I feel kinda stupid. Its obviously a platonic relationship. Almost as absurd as Benigno and Alicia's in "talk to her".

2004-07-07T17:41:00.000-03:00

The Bubu idea went down the drain when I found out about tonight's Cha com Bolachas. A small lesbian party that's supposed to be great!
oh how i wanted to go!!

a tried reaching the 3 people who would go with me, but none of them could go. i came up with a great plan, and i started playing it out. i had to tell my mom i was gonna sleep over at a friend's house. but things got complicated and i changed my mind. i couldnt do it. i need more information. i need to feel good about going.

so i came up with a new plan, plan b, a great plan. i'd actually sleep over at a friend's house after the party. it was good and safe. the plan was to tell mom i was going to a party with my friend, Gin, it's a party in which i'd be able to see people from my old school, thats why i wanted to go. (cuz she thinks/knows i'm not a party person). so Gin would pick me up at night and we'd go. (but actually i was gonna get a cab and go, Gin wouldnt go cuz they is no party with people from my old school). I'd go to the lesbian party, have a blast, meet interesting people and stay away from alcohol. No problem. Then, at about 4am, or whenever the party cools down, I'd grab a cab and go to Gin's house. I'd call from the cab and say 'i'm almost there', and she'd get up and quietly open the door for me. I'd go to bed. Her friend from Canada who just got there and her family dont need to know much except that I went to a party and dint want to go back home because I knew my mom would stay up waiting for me. In the morning my driver would pick me up. I love my plan.

but unexpectedly mom walks into my room and hugs me 'ohh Mackie, I'm glad you're not sleeping over at your friend's house tonight. I think i'm feeling a bit lonely, and I didnt wanna be alone'

that is God closing the doors and keeping me safe. do i like it? no. do i hate myself for not liking it? yes!

i'm not 100% i've aborted plan b though. I'm waiting for Gin to call me.

2004-07-06T16:05:00.000-03:00

eu quero sair!
eu quero ir pro chá com bolachar quarta feira
e pro 'bubu' sexta!

é insuportavel ficar em casa guessing como seria se eu tivesse saido.

não aguento a duvida
a incerteza
a vontade

i wanna move to california, where a bunch of people are gay. and its ok. and there are descent gay bars.

FREAK!

Rational Denial - I don't have a crush on Josiane

2004-06-29T17:11:00.000-03:00

She's my cousin's cousin, she's practically my cousin. I call her father 'uncle'.
She is around 30.

We both work in the factory, but we dont see each other very often. and when we do, we dont talk. 1- she is a very discreet and introspective. 2- i can be that too 3- small talk is never enough.

She's never have a steady boyfriend in her life. She's had flings, but thats it. It makes me wonder...

She's nicer than her former obese sister, who is very outgoing, but also kinda fake. Josiane isnt fake.

Amazingly enough, for the first time, just thinking about her kinda turns me on. No dirty naughty thoughts, no perverted mental pictures, just simply thinking about her intrigues me in a very sensual way.

I feel like a little whore just waiting for an opportinuty to sell her body, but instead I sell my heart as well.

A Stupid Girl's Stupid day

2004-06-15T18:36:00.000-03:00

Yesterday I started talking with this girl online. We "met" at a lesbian SP chat room. Then we moved to Msn and kept on talking. I asked her if she could go to the mall today (a very safe place for an internet blind date). She said yes, but she wasnt sure she could go, she was gonna call me in the morning and let me know.
This morning I went to school for the Assembly. It was terribly sad. I kept my hand in my pocked at all times, waiting for my cell phone to vibrate.
I told me mom I was gonna go to the mall with Alessandra, who actually did go to the mall with me, but left 1 hour later to be with her boyfriend. So I waited for my date's call.
I sent her a message through my cellphone. And I waited. And waited. I called her cellphone twice, but there was no answer. I ended up spending the afternoon by myself, walking around both Morumbi and Market Place Mall, waiting for her call.
I decided to watch a movie. Troy, Harry Potter or The Day After Tomorrow? Since I had already watched Harry Potter, and didnt feel like watching Troy (even though I'm sure its a great movie) I bought tickets for The Day After Tomorrow.
As soon as I walk in the movies I realize that the entire 8th grade class is there (obviously, on the last day of school, friends go to the movies, its kind of a tradition). So they all look at me and say "oh its Mackenzie", or "Mackenzie is that you?", or even "You came all by yourself?". Yes yes yes. I sat far away from them, but since there were very little people there it made no difference where I sat, I still flet as if I was at school with them.
During the movie I decided to take a nap. So I did. Then it more exciting, and finally it endend.
My driver was waiting for me as soon as I left the movies. We went to my mother's doc to pick her up. I walked in the room, and sat there, and waited and waited. After they talked for about 40 minutes about the most random things my mom told me that he hadn't actually examined her yet, so the appointment was nowhere close to ending. Furious, I left.
When I get in the car my driver tells me that my phone had rung. (I didnt take my purse in with me cuz I thought I was only gonna say 'mom, we're here lets go') So I desperatly grab my cell phone and check for 'missed calls'. My stupid cell phone isnt working very well, so its not recording the numbers of the people who call me. So now there's no way of finding out if my lovely date actually called me or not.
Now that I 'wrote down my day' it doesnt seem so bad, but I still feel pathetic. And horny.

2004-06-09T16:22:00.000-03:00

today i wanted to die.
i know i'm not gonna commit suicide, i know i'm not gonna take my own life so soon.
but i did want to die.
and i know why.

being gay makes me miserable. really. its pathetic, sad and lonely - so why should it make me happy?
i'm been exchanging emails with this girl, Sandra. nothing dirty or wild, we're just asking each other questions and all that. i wonder if i'm ever gonna meet her.
also, i dream about lesbian stuff. so its pretty troubling cuz i cant exactly control my dreams, and my dreams are lesbian dreams! (not necessarily sexual though. of course, i might not have a lesbian lifestyle, but my mind is pretty gay, so i'm not surprised i'm having lesbian dreams.

2004-06-06T20:28:00.000-03:00

i know its wrong